I’ve been taking anti-depressants on and off for the better part of four years, the longest consistent stint lasting around eighteen months.
It’s a reluctant necessity but an undeniably helpful crutch during the worst of times.
In 2023, I came off the medication suddenly, inevitably crashing out before picking them up again towards the tail end of the year.
However, there’s something I noticed during this interstitial period that was honestly quite surprising: I started to really enjoy music again.
This sounds a little silly, as I’ve always enjoyed music to some extent. I’d often play movie soundtracks whilst working and would often have music on in the background when cleaning or whatever (of course, most people do).
Yet during this tablet-free period, it’s as if I was really hearing a lot of this music for the first time.
It’s challenging to explain, but I frankly just felt more when listening to various songs and albums, many of which I’d played many times in the past.
Now, while there was definitely a chemical whiplash of sorts that made me overly emotional for a hot minute, I was clearly connecting with this art form in a way that I hadn’t for some time. I’d forgotten how elating and impactful music could be.
This unexpected experience made it clear just how emotionally neutered I’d become whilst taking anti-depressants despite being on a relatively low dosage.
When I decided it would be best for my mental health to start taking the tablets again, my biggest apprehension was the inevitable emotional numbing that would follow.
I described the process at the time as 'forgetting how things really feel, but not even realising you’ve forgotten because this new monotonous mood has become the norm'.
For as much as I’d prefer not to be bedridden with depression, I do miss the emotional catharsis and excitement that comes from watching a film, listening to a new album, or engaging with any other piece of art.
I've tried to come up with an analogy for what experiencing art of anti-depressants is like, but it simply comes down to this feeling that you're not getting the full picture and left missing something as a result.
When I watch a film nowadays, something that’s always been a precious form of escapism for me, it’s rare that it evokes any sort of emotional response. I know how I feel in my head, and I have a definite opinion, but there’s no manifestation of this feeling. I rarely smile, laugh, cry, or wince whilst watching a movie, even if my brain registers that I feel a certain way.
This lack of reaction and active engagement is absolutely the result of anti-depressants. The price you pay for not feeling overwhelmingly depressed is that you don’t feel much of anything at all.
Of course, these issues can be applied to day-to-day life as well. Struggling to empathise with others or sufficiently process the ups and downs of life are just a couple of things that I’ve noticed – there are probably many other lost feelings that I haven’t thought about at all, simply because I haven’t even realised that they’re missing.
However, it’s in consuming art where this lack of feeling bothers me the most.
When you struggle to feel anything, it’s difficult to completely connect with a piece of art. Whether it be a movie about a loss, an album about love, or an abstract painting that might otherwise evoke a personal reaction – nothing quite connects in the same way.
Everything is just fine. Not great. Not awful. Just fine.
Ok, so, how to combat this?
Well, the so-so solution for me has been forced engagement.
I’ve been keeping a film diary for a couple of years, hand-writing an A5 page to summarise my thoughts and feelings on everything that I’ve watched. It’s not much, but it’s a way of getting those feelings out of my head and into the world, which makes them feel more real in the process.
Obviously, this isn’t a practical solution for everyone, but there are other ways to engage.
Simply talking about the art that you like is a start. Expressing to someone how you feel about a certain piece of art can reignite repressed passions for the things that you love.
And if you don’t know how you feel about something, ask yourself! Why did that song give you goosebumps? Why does that painting give you comfort? Why does this movie scene make you sad and that one make you laugh? Does that character remind you of a loved one? An ex? Yourself?
Really digging into these things will allow you to keep those flickers of emotion burning whilst you work through whatever mental health challenges you’re facing.
Maybe I’m chatting shit, but at least consider what would work for you if what I’m suggesting sounds like a load of rubbish.
I’m looking forward to the day when I’m my whole self again and can experience the full spectrum of feelings that my being craves. But until then, I’ll continue to engage with the art that I love in a way that makes me feel alive rather than just existing.
Unfortunately, I know far too many people who are struggling or have struggled with their mental health and are taking medication as a result. The purpose of this piece is not to dismiss anti-depressants and discourage people from seeking them out – believe me, sometimes they really are necessary.
That said, it can’t be enough to just get by.
For as corny as it sounds, there’s so much in the world to connect with, enjoy, and explore, and doing so in a way that’s more personally fulfilling and emotionally rewarding is sure to aid you in getting to wherever it is you want to be mentally.
I’d encourage anyone else taking anti-depressants to adopt an approach that works for them and to keep engaging with the things that make them feel…whatever those feelings might be.
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